


the same way twice

by squilf



Series: here at the end [2]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/M, Heaven Sent, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-03
Updated: 2015-12-03
Packaged: 2018-05-04 15:48:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5339720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squilf/pseuds/squilf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>set during 'heaven sent'. </p><p>things never happen the same way twice.</p><p>he lives many lives, and he dies many deaths, but he always loves her to death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the same way twice

he lives many lives, and he dies many deaths, but they are never the same. sometimes the creature kills him in his sleep. sometimes he drowns. sometimes he lives for years.

and sometimes, just sometimes, he sees clara in his dreams. sometimes he realises she isn't real. sometimes he has to wait centuries just for a moment with her.

but he always loves her to death.

 

**sixty-eight.**

he wakes up, and he's cold.

"you're shivering."

the voice is a whisper, light and familiar.

"come here. i'll warm you up."

he opens his eyes. clara is there, and she's beautiful. she always has been, but there's something about her now. the way her hair is sprawled out across the pillow, her bare shoulder exposed from under the sheets. he has a sudden compulsion to reach out and touch it, the smooth skin, the delicate bones underneath.

"hello," she says, a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

his fingers trace their way from her shoulder to her neck, along her jawline and to her lips.

"hello," he says.

he wants to ask her if she's real. he's afraid that if he does, this will all shatter around him and she will turn to dust in his arms.

"you're looking at me like it's the first time you've ever seen me," clara says.

"it's the first time i've seen you like... this."

"is that okay?"

"it really shouldn't be."

she smiles, leans closer.

"that means yes," she says.

he wakes up before she can close the distance between them.

 

**three thousand.**

he knows she's angry. she's facing the wall. he wishes he could see her face.

"you could leave," she says, "all you need to do is confess."

"if i did, i would never see you again."

she turns to face him, and her eyes are so very sad.

"i'm dead, doctor. you shouldn't be seeing me now."

slowly, slowly, she crumbles into dust.

 

**two hundred thousand.**

he wakes up, and he's cold.

"you're shivering. come here."

he opens his eyes and clara is there, warm and sweet-smelling and wrapping her arms around him. she cradles his head in her hands, presses a kiss to the lines on his forehead.

"hello," she says.

"hello."

"you still look at me like that. every morning. it's like you think i'll slip away in the night."

"don't," he says, and enfolds her in his arms.

he holds her tighter than he should. she is human, and fragile. her body is so small and breakable.

"doctor, i won't. i say that every day."

"i can't lose you again."

clara pulls away a little, looks at him.

"you say that every day, too."

he wakes up before he can stop her talking with a kiss.

 

**five million.**

he knows he's dreaming, because she's there. framed in the window, surrounded by a halo of light so bright he can't see her face.

"clara?" he says, "is it really you?"

she doesn't say anything.

"oh, clara. i've been waiting a long, long time."

she holds out her arms to embrace him. he comes closer. it hurts when she touches him.

when he opens his eyes, the creature's hands are covering his face.

 

**eighty million.**

he's alive, he's alive, and the creature didn't catch him, and he's won. he bursts into the TARDIS and kisses clara, hard and desperate, crowds her against the wall. she doesn't move, just lets him kiss her. he stops. rests his forehead against hers. breathes.

"did you do this with her?" she asks.

"what?"

"did you do this with the real clara?"

he doesn't say anything for a moment. then,

"i... i'm sorry."

he lets her go, steps back.

"you're not remembering her, doctor. you're just creating something you were too scared to have when she was alive."

"it isn't that simple."

"yes it is. you were scared of hurting her, but you can't hurt her now she's dead. you can have her now. forever."

he shakes his head.

"i can't lose you again."

"you should have lost me once, a billion years ago. instead you've lost me over and over, so, so many times. don't torture yourself. don't torture me. i'm human. i should have died millennia ago. don't keep me alive."

"i have to! don't you understand? i'll go mad without you."

"you're going mad with me," she says, and turns to dust.

 

**one billion.**

he wakes up, and warm lips are on his, gently kissing him awake. he opens his eyes. clara.

"hello," she says.

he frowns.

"we've done this before."

clara smiles, leans in to kiss him again.

"we've done this lots of times, doctor."

her hair is sprawled across the pillow, over her shoulders, down her back.

"your hair's grown," he says, reaches out to touch it.

she is so devastatingly beautiful.

"you still look at me like that," she says, "like you think i'll slip away in the night."

"you've said that before."

"things never happen the same way twice."

"what?"

"that's what you say, sometimes. i never know what you mean."

"oh, clara," he says, and pulls her close, "i wish i didn't."

when he wakes up, his arms are empty. there is only dust on the bed beside him.

 

**two billion.**

"this is the last time," she says, and the sky is pinpricked with stars behind her.

"no. no, i can't lose you again."

"you've lost me countless times. now i'll just stay lost."

"will i see you again?"

she smiles, presses a kiss to his lips.

"you know you will. but you have a lot to do first."

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by a quote from aslan in the chronicles of narnia: "things never happen the same way twice."
> 
> i'm on a real twelve/clara writing splurge at the moment... i promise i have something fluffier planned! you guys deserve it.


End file.
